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Wife. Mommy. Lover of cookies.

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RT @HonestToddler: Toddler Tip: She has a bounty of nerves underneath that "last" one. Don't worry :)

I Keep It

Dear Little Shits that live in Amarillo Slim’s yard:

I realize that you have a complete loser for a father and a doormat of a mother, but could you please refrain from throwing all your fucking toys in my yard? It’s not cute when you chuck your baseball(narrowly missing my dog), and then run inside giggling, waiting for me to come out and throw it back at you (I could have hit you, too, but I didn’t want your dad to shoot me). You are both the brattiest children in the known universe, and I hereby pledge to burn all of your army men, because I’m tired of tripping over them. It will be my mission in life to stockpile the vast load of shit that ends up in my yard (that pink frisbee? it’s mine now) and proudly display it just out of your reach. You’ll never see those Nerf balls again.

Thank you,

P.S. There really is a monster under your beds, and he’s just waiting to chop you into kiddie-bits and feed you to his puppy.
P.P.S. Santa hates you, and will not even be bringing you coal. Oh, wait. Did I forget to tell you that there is no Santa Claus? And no Easter Bunny. There is a Tooth Fairy, but he said he’ll never leave you a dime. Oh, and he can kick your ass.

10 Responses to “I Keep It”

  1. courtney Says:

    You just made my day ;-)I’m going to read it again just so I can laugh some more!

  2. courtney Says:

    It’s just as good the second time:-)

  3. Merrin Says:

    Seriously. I gave the frisbee to the dogs.

  4. nf0 Says:

    I know its not funny, but I can stop laughing. Toy terrorism isn’t something to take lightly. What if you trip and hurt yourself.

  5. Camille Says:

    Merrin! You should be ashamed. They are children, they do stupid stuff. And, as you said, look who their parents are. They only act how they know to act.

    Now, that said..I think you should gather up their toys and a) hold onto them until they come over and ask for them politely or b) take them over to their house and have a conversation with their parents.

  6. Merrin Says:

    Okay. I asked them three times to please not throw things into my yard. I explained that they could hurt my dogs. I explained that they almost broke my kitchen window. Then they tossed the baseball back over, and I told them that if they wanted it and the frisbee and the Nerf ball back, their parents had to ask me for them. The little girl then called me a “poopy-head”, so I collected their toys and took them inside. Plus, Rigley started eating an army man, and she choked. I had to fish the little green bits out of her throat. Not fun. But I didn’t really tell them that there was no Santa.

  7. Merrin Says:

    And besides, your child would never do anything so awful. And I tried to call you right after it happened, but you weren’t home. I
    had to vent my frustration.

  8. The Tooth Fairy Says:

    I absolutely support your decision to nip the toy terrorism in the bud. It’s obvious the partents haven’t reigned in the wee bastards.

    I just wish I could remember the trick my high school chemistry teach in high school did to make plastic army men explode…

  9. Shelby Says:

    Okay…that is tooooo funny! I cracked up and had to send it to a friend.

    I can not believe she called you a “poopy-head”..BRAT! That is unreal.

    I would have a serious talk with the parents…maybe mom might listen…cause ya know psycho won’t.

    Man….that was funny!

  10. statia Says:

    Dude. Seriously, I’m glad you’re keeping them. I hate asshole kids.

    Then I wonder why I’m going through invasive treatments to have children when I can’t stand a lot of them. I only like my friends kids.

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