MerrinDonahue.com

Dear fucktards customers of the world:
You may not believe this, but I am here to help you. I’m the girl that comes up to you, without fail, and smiles as I ask if there’s anything at all that you need. If there is, in fact, something which you require, please keep in mind the following:
1) I will be glad to help you, even if you don’t ask nicely. However, I am actually happy to help you if you are at least a little grateful. I could, after all, let you get it your own damn self.
2) When I ask how you are doing today, I really mean it. Please don’t be disrespectful and ignore me. I know you can hear me. I’m pretty freakin’ loud.
3) If the store where you are is out of an item, it is not the end. This is not where you die. The world will not stop spinning on its axis because I’m out of your item. Often, I can find it somewhere else, and if you’re nice to me, I’ll even go and pick it up for you, just to save you the trip. The key is, be nice.
4) If you refer to me as “Hey!” or “Yo!” I will ignore you. Please use your words along with your inside voice.
5) I truly do understand that your time is valuable. Believe me, I want to get you in and out of my store as quickly as possible. That means that if you’re in a hurry, and you want that FREAKING HUGE table loaded into your 4Runner, at least have the seats folded down and the mountain of crap in the back cleared out already. Also, don’t park in Uganda when there’s a loading zone right up front. Trust me, I’m not going to walk a 1/4 mile with a 600 pound table. Pull your car up. Finally, don’t bitch about how long the process takes. I am, quite clearly, a girl, and while I can lift it, it’s gonna take me a little longer. You want it done faster? Then help.
6) Finally, I do realize that you pay my salary (even though I don’t work on commission), which is precisely why I give a shit about you and your pathetic little life. Most of the time, you are fun and friendly. I think, though, that it’s time you had a little reminder. Please remember to use the magic words (um, that would be “please” and “thank you”), and don’t look down your nose at me because I work retail. Chances are, I make more money than you, I’m more educated than you, and I sure as hell know more about running a business than you.

Thank you for your time and cooperation. Now go out there and be good customers!